Oprah Winfrey was on Thursday's Jimmy Kimmel Live, and Kimmel cut straight to the chase: "So you're definitely not running for president?" "Where do I look into the camera?" Oprah asked. "I am definitely not running for president." The audience booed. "You know, you give a speech and then you sit down, and you have, surprisingly, started to run for president," she said. The buzz started as soon as she walked offstage at the Golden Globes, and "I was kind of first thrown by it — it's a humbling thing to have people think that you can run the country, it's a humbling thing," she added. "I'm the kind of person who tries to listen to signs. I think, 'Well, am I supposed to run the country? I don't think so!'"
Oprah said she found out that President Trump had tweeted about her 60 Minutes focus group when director Ava DuVernay called her, and she never considered tweeting back at Trump, "not a second." When Kimmel offered to use her Twitter account to hit back at Trump, Oprah protested. "No, you don't win by meeting any kind of negativity head-on," she said. "We've already lost, though, in general," Kimmel said. "You just have to say, 'Well, I don't know what that was, but all right,'" Oprah said. She explained that she is not, in fact, "insecure," as Trump claimed, but she has hung out with him at boxing matches and, oddly, Maya Angelou's 80th birthday party, which Oprah held at Mar-a-Lago.
Oprah explained to Kimmel a little bit of what life is like as Oprah: She doesn't answer her phone, for example, but she does pay her own bills. You can learn more below. Peter Weber
Jimmy Kimmel has a theory about Obama's presidential portrait, and a guess about how Trump's will look
On Monday, former President Barack Obama and Michelle Obama unveiled their official portraits at the Smithsonian's National Portrait Gallery. The tradition goes back to 1796, and "it's a big deal," Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday's Kimmel Live, showing a cheeky fake portrait of Obama before putting up the real one by artist Kehinde Wiley. "It's not the traditional man posing in front of desk with American flag in the background," he noted. "It depicts the president in front of flowers that represent Chicago, Africa, and Hawaii" — or perhaps the shirt Nick Nolte wore in his mug shot. But either way, Kimmel said, it got him thinking about the future.
"You know, the president gets to pick the artist," Kimmel mused. "I wonder what Trump's official portrait is going to look like. And I imagine it will look something like this." He unveiled an image that probably gave pause to ABC's censors. "Poor Mike Pence had to check himself right into conversion therapy," he joked. Watch below. Peter Weber
Legendary music producer Quincy Jones "may have given a pair of the greatest show-business interviews of all time," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "I can't get into everything he said, but let's start small: He knows who killed JFK," Colbert said. And "strangely, who killed the president was one of the less-explosive details."
Jones also dished on Michael Jackson, Jackson's feud with Prince, and President Trump, whom Jones said he "used to hang out with" and "can't stand," adding, "I used to date Ivanka, you know." While Colbert questioned the propriety of Jones dating Trump's daughter, Jon Batiste said Jones told him the same thing. "But that is still, still not the headline coming out of these interviews," Colbert said. That would be Jones' assertion that Marlon Brando slept with Richard Pryor, Marvin Gaye, and James Baldwin. Jones had a very pithy quote about Brando, which was upstaged only by the one from Pryor's wife. You can read the rest of the most eye-popping interview at Vulture to see what Colbert left out, and watch below. Peter Weber
On Tuesday, SpaceX successfully launched its Falcon Heavy rocket, the world's most powerful spacecraft, boosted by two Falcon 9 rockets that then made perfect synchronized Earth landings for reuse. Stephen Colbert was super excited. "Here's the kicker — this is the really exciting part — the launch was to show not only that the Falcon was reusable but the Falcon Heavy can carry a large payload," he explained on Tuesday's Late Show. "So to test it, Elon Musk sent up his own Tesla convertible with a dummy astronaut at the wheel, blasting David Bowie's 'Life on Mars.' That's right, this is absolutely true: A giant phallus cranking rock 'n' roll, releasing a red convertible into the dark void — and the award for Most Midlife Crisis goes to Elon Musk."
But Musk also put the words "Don't Panic" on his Tesla's screen, Colbert said, "which as we all know is a reference to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. We get it, Musk, you're King Nerd. I relinquish my crown."
"Meanwhile, in the other frontiers of science, snack food," Colbert said, Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi "hinted on a podcast that Doritos is making 'lady-friendly' chips that don't crunch for women. Not only that, but if it does make noise, it will be immediately interrupted by a crunching male chip." Now, "if you're wondering, as I am, 'Why God, why?'" Colbert said, the answer is apparently science. Or something. Watch below. Peter Weber
The Super Bowl may have paid (controversial) homage to Minnesota's late, great Prince, but during the live afterparty at Minneapolis' Orpheum Theatre, Jimmy Fallon did a special tribute to another Minnesota native, Bob Dylan. Dressed in full Dylan garb, Fallon performed an updated version of Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'," pulling in Twitter, #MeToo, and, of course, President Trump, though not by name.
The song isn't funny, really, and it isn't supposed to be. "Come leaders who bully like internet trolls, we'll curse you with four-letter words 'love' and 'hope,'" Fallon's Dylan sings. "For we will go high even when you go low, the order is re-arranging / For you have the power, but we have the vote / The times they are a-changin'." You can read the lyrics at The Tonight Show's YouTube page, and if you don't appreciate the message, Fallon's spot-on early Dylan impression might be worth watching anyway. Peter Weber
If Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) hadn't been playing hooky, he would have been on the train carrying GOP lawmakers to West Virginia, he told Stephen Colbert on Wednesday's Late Show, but while he dodged that accident, "I've been shot at, I've been mugged — I'm hoping 2018 is a better year." Paul discussed being tackled by his neighbor and said it might have been fed by America's partisan animus, but insisted that in Congress, "probably the unwritten story is that there's more discussions going across party lines than you would ever believe."
Paul said he supports states and adults making their own decisions about marijuana, and the federal government should stay out of it. "Then how do you feel about Jeff Sessions?" Colbert asked, noting that the attorney general wants to lock up all pot users. "Imagine Congress, and imagine a bunch of octogenarians who just watched Reefer Madness for the first time," Paul said, "and they think it's the gateway to the end of the world, and so they think they should lock these people up. It's very expensive to lock people up, but it also ruins young people's lives," and overwhelmingly the lives of brown, black, and poor people. He added that he supports voting rights for ex-cons.
Paul lauded the GOP tax cuts, but said he's still a deficit hawk. "Right now I think the Republicans are the worst on the deficit," he said, pointing to GOP military spending hopes. Democrats are fine with that as long as domestic spending goes up, too, he said, but "Republicans are hypocrites for complaining about Obama's deficits and then giving us trillion-dollar deficits." He said he supports more legal immigration, proposed a compromise on DREAMers, and wagered that Congress will pass some DACA replacement bill. Paul explained why he's concerned about Robert Mueller's investigation of President Trump, which he has called a "witch hunt," but Colbert got in the last word. Peter Weber
Jimmy Kimmel interviewed Stormy Daniels about her alleged affair with Trump, and it was pretty awkward
Jimmy Kimmel's guest on Tuesday's Kimmel Live was Stephanie "Stormy Daniels" Clifford, the adult film actress and director who, according to The Wall Street Journal, agreed not to discuss her alleged extramarital affair with President Trump in 2006 for a $130,000 hush payment in 2016 from Trump's lawyer. Much of the interview was Kimmel trying to work around the nondisclosure agreement Daniels more or less confirms she signed. Things got pretty uncomfortable at times.
"I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to ask you tonight, but then, like three hours ago, I go on the internet," Kimmel said, reading a letter that purports to be a signed denial of the affair. "Did you sign this letter that was released today?" he asked. "I don't know, did I?" Daniels replied, coyly. "That does not look like my signature, does it?' "So you're saying perhaps this letter was written and released without your approval?" She just said "hm" and laughed. "I do not know where it came from," she said. "It came from the internet."
Kimmel brought up the 2011 In Touch interview in which Daniels detailed her affair with Trump. "Did you do that interview?" he asked. "Not as it is written," she said, conceding that she hasn't read the transcript In Touch released. "I'm too scared to look at it," she said. So Kimmel read her excerpts. "I thought this was a talk show, not a horror movie," she cut in. Kimmel asked if she thought it was odd when Trump brought three women who accused Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct to his debate with Hillary Clinton. "Odd, no," she said. "Dirty, yes. And I know a lot about dirty, and even I wouldn't do that."
Kimmel asked a series of awkward questions about Trump's "junk" — "What's wrong with you?" Daniels asked — then brought out puppets to try to get some solid answers. "This feels like a SVU episode," Daniels said, and she wasn't wrong. Watch the full interview below. Peter Weber
Lots of people love to hate Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle brand Goop, but Stephen Colbert is one of the few people who can show his disdain playfully and publicly — with Gwyneth Paltrow's participation. "As you may know, Goop's success inspired me to launch my own celebrity lifestyle brand, Covetton House, where each product is lovingly hand-crafted to accept your credit card," Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show, for those who didn't know. Paltrow is in New York for a health and wellness fair, and Colbert brought on Paltrow for a "sneak peak" at the Goop-Covetton House "exclusive line of aspirational, medically adjacent product-portunities" that won't be unveiled at the fair.
Paltrow was a good sport, and a partner in her own mockery. When Colbert said he was thankful about their partnership, she replied, "Yeah, but we're not partnering — we prefer the term 'conscious coupling.'" When Colbert asked if he could try her concoction of matcha, chia seeds, and "tears shed by butterflies during Oprah's Golden Globes speech," she asked: "Are you mortal?" "I think so," he said. "It's not safe for you," she replied. Things got a little strange at the end, but for the uncharacteristically small price of a little free event publicity you can watch Paltrow's conscious self-ridicule below. Peter Weber